Once upon a time, back in the early days of this century, I had a blog, one that was fast and loose and had thousands of daily readers (due to a lucky break courtesy of an up-kilt celebrity photo I somehow inadvertently broke to the world and www.popbitch.com).
It was a simpler time, though not a more innocent time – I was younger then, and much more foolish (and anonymous). It was a time before microblogging, when blogs were the new frontier – the comments box was where folk shared their opinions, showed off their wit, slagged off and celebrated. Them were golden years indeed.
In the course of it all, I received many emails from readers and fellow bloggers. Most were simply names in a comments box but some went above and beyond – some I got to meet**, some I even ended up dating, but perhaps the most mysterious and intriguing was the man known as Massive Ted B**gs*.
I first encountered the Notorious B**GS in the Dogstar in Brixton, London SW9 – via graffiti on a toilet door that proclaimed “Ted B**gs is massive” (next to a graffito that read “Fuck art students with gay gay gay hair”).
Obviously, I had to blog such profundity, and several weeks later I received the following email – which remains to this day, the single best email I have ever received:
Just for fun I typed in my name into google (Ted B**gs) and your website came up on the list. I clicked on it and was directed to your page, specifically the “Ted B**gs is massive” that was written in the Dogstar toilets!
I am that Ted B**gs! I know because my housemate wrote it – not that she knows I’m massive, it was just an educated guess. But she was right. She also wrote “Fuck art students with gay gay gay hair” – even though we are both art students (minus the gay hair).
Since that was written early this year I’ve had 2 ex-girlfriends texting me to let me know. Haha! So I do exist on the internet – joy! And what a way to be remembered.
Thanks for listening,
‘Massive’ Ted B**gs
Throughout the blogging years Ted continued to keep in touch, letting us know about significant incidents in his life, such as the time he gashed his hand on a broken pot plant (with photos) and his upcoming club night: It would be simply delightful if you’d come. I don’t know if you’re a man or a woman, but hopefully you’re a beautiful woman! Hey, even if you’re a man feel free to come down and stand at the back. And tell everyone you know. Word.
We felt like we knew Ted. Hell, we felt like we loved Ted.
The other day, my bestest BFF, the famous “Ms G” in the blog of old, pinged me on Facebook, wondering what a hideous photo of a cut hand was doing in my photo albums. I realised it had to be Ted B**gs, uploaded by accident with a pile of other old blog pics. We reminisced about that mysterious character Ted B*ggs and laughed – oh that Teddy!
Today, for no reason whatsoever, I felt the urge to check my old blog’s Gmail address – and that strangely cosmic B**gs connection revealed itself once more, in an email dated two days before our Ted B**gs Facebook conversation. (As Shatner would say, Weird… or what?)
Dear *****, I don’t know if you remember me but you put me on your ****** blog back in 2004 (“Ted B**gs is massive!”).
I would really appreciate it if you can please edit this post This is because if you do actually google my name now, your thing with “Ted B**gs is massive” is the first result to come up! I’m currently training to be a .primary school teacher and could do without me getting into trouble for it, should another teacher or a parent stumble across it!
I’d really appreciate it! Thanks in advance!
Teddy, of course I remember you. Your name has now been removed… but your legend lives on! This, surely, is the Greatest Story Ever Told. Well, I like it, anyway. Here’s to you, Ted, Teddy, the Notorious B**GS. I hope our paths continue to cross, you wonderful, massive man.